everyone's a critic

- Why would you ask that?
- I’ve just never seen anybody roll a joint like that.
- What does that have to do with being a vegetarian?
- Oh, they’re just so precious.
- I roll perfect joints.
- I’m not putting them down, they’re incredible.
- Well, thank you.
- It’s incredible that a human being can make such neat, little joints.
- You make it sound as if I’m anal or something, just because I know how to roll a perfect joint.
- No, not anal. Vegetarian.
- Well, what does that mean?
- Well, you don’t roll like, big rasta spliff joints, do you? Your joints are like salad joints, not like a big, sloppy, bleeding cheeseburger-that-you-rip-into-kind-of-a-joint joint.
- I guess marijuana isn’t a visceral experience for me. Sex is for me.
- Right.
- Ok, so I am a vegetarian, but for purely moral reasons.

- Oh, you want it! What for?
- I gotta keep the boys off the street at night. I gotta provide them with a warm, friendly environment in which to use illegal substances and have promiscuous sex - safely, of course.
- Noble sentiment. But investment-wise, not very practical.
- And what would be practical, Theodore? To get married? And move to the suburbs? And become a home-lovin’, child-raisin’, God-fearin’ imitation heterosexual? And for what? So that I can become another dead soul, goin’ to the mall, droppin’ my kids off at school, and having barbecues in the backyard? That’s *their* death. Not mine. I’m a cock-sucker! I’m queer! And to anyone who takes pity or offense, I say, “judge yourself.” This is where I live. This is who I am.

- That time in Biology when you beat off in a test tube and tried to call it your science experiment?
- Food. There was always lots of food at your house.
- Well, that’s an Italian thing. And there was always lots of booze at your house.
- That’s an Irish thing.

- Summer, Sid stabbed Nancy, seven times with a kitchen knife, I mean we have some disagreements but I hardly think I’m Sid Vicious.
- No I’m Sid.
- Oh, so I’m Nancy…
- Let’s just eat and we’ll talk about it later. Mmm, that is good, I’m really glad we did this. I love these pancakes… what? Tom, don’t go! You’re still my best friend!

- Long distance.
- God?
- London.
- God lives in London?
- My mother lives in London.
- Your mother is God?
- Lorelai…
- So, God is a woman.
- Lorelai.
- And a relative. That’s so cool. I’m gonna totally ask for favors.